Shenanigans

Just say thanks

2009-08-15T02:00:00.000-07:00

So two of my best friends are having a baby. The father is a little bit anal when it comes to cleaning if you ask me, I think his wife would let it slip a little but not to much because she is a little like him just not as anal. However I always envy his home because it is so clean. So he calls me about a week ago asking if i want to have a lawn mowing party. IE we cut his then cut mine together. Well thing is my kids are old enough to cut the grass now so they do it for me. So a week goes by and I notice his yard is getting longer and longer. After I finished the front yard of mowing ( son went for a sleep over and was not able to finish) I looked over at there yard and decided that I wanted to cut there yard for them I was just going to do the front but then decided to do the back also. Well I guess they were home because they came out and wanted to know what the hell I was doing cutting there grass. I do not know. For some reason I guess I just wanted to. They felt bad I think that I was cutting there grass and they were in the house watching a movie, but it really was not about them or what they wanted. I just wanted to do it. It felt good doing something nice for someone else and not having to fell like they owe me anything. So I told them " just say thanks and leave it at that". The husband could not let it go so he helped me finish the back yard. Well here's to the two of them may there child fill the empty void that we all have without the little pitter patter and the hugs and kisses. ( I know some of you may not want children so if you do not have the void then pretend). Love you guys and I hope you have 3 more. And if you have nothing else to do then get over to my house and help me paint seeing as the new nursery rocks.

Vegas... What a crap hole

2009-03-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

Two weeks in paradise right? Vegas. So I have been here for almost two weeks now and have not done a damn thing but sit in my room and drink myself stupid. Eating rice cakes and drinking black label Jack. What a way to live. Lord knows I do not want to go out with the people that are here. Sit in a damn building with them for 14 hours all day then go out on the town with them....lets see. Nope. The best part is that we all have company vehicles so they tell us we can only go 5 miles from work or the hotel. The damn strip is over 10 miles away...Take a damn bus. Do I look like i ride the bus, not since grade school. Ass Bags! I guess the peons that we are we can not drive that far but upper management can go where ever they damn well please,why you ask well they all have rental cars. Company paid that is, but the rest of us get the company car. Kind of hard to miss those seeing as it is written on the side of the damn things and it is on the back. Nothing like having the boss see it sitting at a casino or worse yet a strip club.
I have something like 30 towels in my room...steal them. No, the damn cleaning lady must be trying to tell me something seeing as she leaves me 3 new ones every day but does not take the old ones. It is great, My bed also has a plastic sheet on it like I am 5 and they think i might wet the bed....or maybe it is so the mattress does not get stained with my blood when some crack head busts in, in the middle of the night and kills me. Man I hate this town.

Creepy.....

2009-02-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

Ok. So there i am sleeping on the couch. life like normal lately. No job so I am up all night watching T.V. or playing on the Playstation. I got a cold a few weeks ago, like a damn month ago and my voice is still not back. Started sleeping on the couch so i do not keep my beautiful wife up all night hacking. Anyways there i am sleeping on the couch 2 in the morning...House phone rings. now when the house phone rings at my house at two in the morning something has gone wrong and usually in a very bad way. Hello, hello, Hi, Hello....nothing. Dead silence...like creepy silence. Hang up the phone and turn it back on...still silence...Ok kind of creepy. So I get up and meet my wife in the hall. She wants to know what is going on and I show her the phone...Hello..Nothing. So she hands me back the phone. Hello, nothing. So I hang up the phone. Get up off the couch to go to bed. And I see the front door is cracked open. Now it is normal for the door to not always shut all the way, but i thought i closed it. So I go to the back of the house to let the dogs in the house and I see the phone on the table and it says in use. Meaning someone is on it. So I look at teh phone and pick it up, turn it on and all I hear is silence. Creepy silence. So I keep saying hello all the way until I let the dogs in. As they run across the hard wood floor two rooms away I hear the sound on the phone. Now let me explain, I have the phone up to my ear like I am talking to someone. Hello, hello..rememer. Now instead of creepy silence, I hear the dogs running across the hardwood floor in the phone. Like there is a phone in my house in the living room that called me and now i hear the foot steps of my dogs. Thinking this is totall crazy. I run around my house looking for a phone, or even worse yet there is someone in my house with the phone. completely freaked out now i remember the front door open. screaming in the phone asking who the Fuck this is. I see my new cell phone sitting on the couch close to where I was and I see that...well...my butt called the house. Fantastic. Stupid new phone. not sure how I did it but i called the house on my cell phone. Still kind of freaked out i walk around the entire house looking at all the windows and looking under the beds. tried to go back to sleep however i had quite the hard time. Next day my butt called the wife. so i had to set the phone to lock at all times.

Friday the 13th

2009-02-14T00:10:00.000-08:00

Bah humbug-

I hate when Friday the 13th comes around. Not someone that likes the scary movies. I am not someone that likes to be scared. Now I have been over seas, meet people that wanted to kill me. and when I say that I am not kidding. Mind you they were going to jail so i felt pretty safe. None the less they were people that wanted me dead. I have seen some pretty damn big spiders, things that make you wonder why in the world God would create these things. well they just creep me out, cuz there big for gosh sake. But I do not like to be scared. My wife thinks it is funny as hell to jump out from behind a door and scare the poop right out of me. Makes my heart race fast and I get mad. I know she loves to do it. It s the little things in life that make us all happy. But I hate the scary movies. So I am flipping through the channels on the TV tonight and what is on but Freddy vs Jason. So I go back to watching my favorite show Extreame Home Makeover. Right, but i have to flip back and forth to this stupid show. Just so I can get freaked out. Why in the world do people make movies like this. Hate it. But for so stupid reason i have to flip back and forth to this dang show. Have I said I hate it... Now I sit in the house all quiet, freaked out. Thinking I hear things in every room. Hate it..i am going back to EHM. Love that show. Good night and God Bless

Sgt Majors words of wisdom

2009-02-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

Words of wisdom. I am on duty, needed to make a run to where the army was stationed and this is the 2nd maybe 3rd thing I hear that comes out of the sgt majors general direction. I want to say mouth but I was not sure if the sgt major is the one that said it. But then again advice like this is something that comes from years of....well, years of being alive I guess. So what advice does he give? "If you don't Fuck it, and you don't feed it. Then don't give a shit about it, because it does not give a shit about you." This is his fantastic advice. So at first I do not quite get it. Don't get me wrong I understand the saying. The issue I have is this; I have friends, and people I work with, now I do not care about all of them (co-workers that is) but I like them. So does that mean I need to feed all of them....O gosh don't tell me i need to...well you know the other one, to all my friends. Sorry Travass and Romayo. Looks like if you don't like my food there is another option.

What do you want?

2009-01-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

So today my buddies and I think it will be a good idea to have a little mens bible study. Well I guess I asked for it. I am talking about it a few weeks back, so we decide to just pick a day and do it, well that day was a week ago and we all bailed on the issue. So this week we make it a point to get together and do this. Subject for the week was John chaper one. Everything is going fine we are all reading and debating over the fact that Jesus is the one true God. Take a break have a cup of coffee and reflect a little. In the time of reflection I think we all took a little look at our own lives and what was said in John. "What do you want?"... "Follow me I will show you." Not much is said from Christ. "What do you want" funny how just that impacts me. What do I want. I am not sure. I thought I wanted a big house and some nice cars. A maid that would clean so my wife does not have to, and a sex life I can write stories about. well I guess I got one of them. So what do I want, I just want to know if i am doing the right thing, am I doing the right thing in Gods eyes. As I lay in bed contomplating this at 1 in the morning when I need to be up for work in 5 hours I keep repeating the same words over and over in my head....Follow Me!

God Damn Kids!

2009-01-24T23:40:00.000-08:00

So, The Lord almighty has blessed my wife and I with three beautiful children. Thank you God. I guess I should get my thanks out of the way now before I start my bitching. I am happy, and I do have wonderful kids. But every now and then you want to just go crazy like the guy to my left here. After Basketball practice, Basketball games, Cheer practice, Cheer at games, Sunday school, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Church meetings, What to do about Church camp this summer. What to do about Ski School and the almighty knows what else I am missing or what is coming down the pipe. I just want to come home and not have to do anything. No going to any of those things. I want to sit in my underwear, play video games and not listen to its late and I should come to bed. I want to chew tobacco because I can and no one tells me otherwise. I want to curse in my own house when I smash my thumb and not have to worry about one of the kids repeating it at school the next day. Then having to sit in with the teacher and principal and explain to them that the neighbors talk like that and I will speak with the kids. That we are good christens and why on earth would we speak like that. So I blame everything on my neighbor, him and his oral sex statues of Father Christmas and his lovely wife. If it is not bad enough that I have to hear him tell me how much him and his wife and sex now when I go over there at Christmas time i have to see his statues of debauchery. I mean really who has sex every day and sometimes twice on Tuesdays? Really? If my wife and I had sex like that my penis would fall off. But then again I would never have to look at internet porn, so there might be some good side effects to this. Speaking of all this sex has not made me horny but it has made me think of my daughters birthday tomorrow. 3 the big 03 wow how time flies. It feels like only yesterday we looked like this. That's right that is me and the misses with our high school graduation pictures. Aren't we a wonderful looking duo. Aren't can you even use that in a sentence, and if you can is it correct to use it at the beginning of a sentence? well I guess that is for the English majors to tell me if it is wrong...So here is your chance to tell me how wrong I am. Back to the picture. I think they came out great. It took some time before I was comfortable in taking off my shirt for the picture. My wife on the other hand had her top off and was walking around the photo shoot with her engorged breast and wonderfully sexy tummy hanging out before we could even get the thought out of our heads to do the picture. But after the photographer had said maybe I should hold her cute little butt in the picture then I was all for it. Besides when we left she was so horny we had sex in the car in the parking lot. Good thing she was already pregnant otherwise she would have been when we were done if you know what I mean. Besides she already had the top off and her pants were unbuttoned so I was almost there in the photo shoot so why not just finish the job. So now we have to have a birthday party for the little one. Momma is going to make some elaborate cake that looks like a castle, I am almost sure of that. That is the other thing that goes with kids. First you have them. Think your life will not change, then you have to get rid of all your stuff so you can buy the stuff they need. Then 15 years later you realize everything you have in your house is theirs and nothing in it belongs to you. Legos, Barbies, you name it we have it. Garage is full of their crap, house if full of it even my room has their stuff in it. I can not wait for them to all move out so I can have my house back. But then again I don't think I would want it any other way. To my kids, Peace, Love and Happiness for all of your days. Daddy Loves you all so very much. One last thing my son had his first basketball game today and for a kid that is not that athletic he scored the only 3 point shot and they kicked the other teams little butts. Way to go kid you ROCK!

Later
Me

Christmas 08

2008-12-28T00:53:00.000-08:00

So, another Christmas has come and gone. Get everything you wanted. Wii, PS3, New LCD TV, Computer what did you get? Was it worth it? I hope you did not lose sight of what it was all about. Christ and his birth and ultimately his death. No man is a red suit, flying sled, no bag full of free stuff. NO that is not what Christmas is about. I like to think I am doing a good job or raising my kids to do the right thing and to be good kids. To do something for someone else just because, not because you get something back from it or that you are getting paid to do it. I too my kids to our church today so that we could shovel the sidewalks seeing as we have churh in morning. All the way there my middle child is telling me she does not want to shovel she is already cold and someone else should be doing this. needless to say when we got there it was not so bad. After about an hour though she starts in again about how cold she is and she wants to go home. NOw don't get me wrong it was a little brisk but seeing as i was shoveling the whole time i was rather hot and did not feel bad for her as she was laying in the snow and making snow angels and throwing snowballs at me and her brother. I like to think it was a good jesture for us to go there and shovel but I am not so sure they got anything out of it...other than a butterfinger and a hot chocolate. Me I felt great doing it, well that is until I stopped and stood there for a few minutes stiffining up. By the time I got home I was sore as hell. My wife stayed home with the youngest as she was taking a nap. But then I get the phone calls how much longer, are you going to be home soon. The usual response that I get when I am at the church. See I was layed off a little while ago and have not found a job yet. So I go to the church at least 3 to 4 times a week other than service on Sundays. Lots of stuff to do when you are non profit and no one else wants to do it. So here I sit now 2 in th morning can't sleep so I write. Pretty sure this is all BS but it seems to make me feel better.

I was sitting her watching crap on TV and the snow is gettting wet as it is getting warmer outside not then when the sun was up....I know the snow is getting sticky. Why not make a snowman. That will be fun. Got dressed and went out throught the garage. Guess I woke my wife up when the door opened. She is such a light sleeper, hard to get away with anything with that woman she hears everything I do. Anyways I got out to make a snowman in the front yard and I am looking at my neighbors house. not kids and the front yard looks great with all the snow right where God left it. Other than the driveway where he moved it off. So I start walking over there. I will make a snowman in his yard then I think to myself no I will make a huge penis. Right in his front yard. Well there are enough old people and kids on the street I think that might be a bad idea. Well then lets make one in his back yard. So I did. Perfect place for one. Only he sees it and hopefully he thinks it is funny. If not, well shit I do not know. So there I am in the bak yard not making a sound, well other than make a 4 foot penis in his back yard. The man has sleep sex with his wife so I figure if you are going to sleep through having sex with your wife you will sleep through your neighbor making a big old penis in your back yard right? well he does not wake up but the dog does. Great guard dog, just he loves everyone so he does not bark he just wants outside to play. So I have to move fast before the old man gets up and catches me. Worse than that hi old lady gets up goes to let the dog out sees someone in the back yard calls the cops and the next thing I know I am getting a face wash from a bunch of cops trying to tell them we are friends and I was making a penis in there back yard. Needless to say I do not get to spend as much time on the penis that I woudl have liked to. Hope they see it and laugh. I know I did while I was making it. Love ya batman. Have fun with the PS3 and the new TV. Great to have friends isn't it.

Later

First Blog Posting

2008-12-21T22:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this is my first post not even sure how this damn thing works. Batman turned me on to this seeing as he has a blog along with T and they are always telling me what is on their blogs and how I am suppose to read them and be enlightened by them. So I do read them Batman is funny as always and T is well lets just say T needs to have a baby to complete her life. Perfect Body, Perfect husband, perfect dog, perfect job...but no kid so there life for some reason is incomplete. GD, guy goes over fixed their vent in the bathroom places lights on the Christmas tree helps put lights on the house and do i get a thanks, no. But Batman get to make love all night because he is the greatest husband on the planet.....puke. Give me a break. Sorry Batman and T. Had to bitch about something why not you.

Well seeing as how this is becoming a bitch session might as well just keep it going. So my DW and kids are going to go look at lights with my sister and the God Parents. Just prior to everyone going we are waiting for the GP to get here. The kids start to get a little crazy in the house so I send them outside to play in the snow. Five minutes, five stinking minutes later my middle child comes in the house covered in snow and crying, mind you she is kind of a heart on her sleeve kind of kid so everything is a big deal. Middle child syndrom I guess. Some one tells me that 83 percent of strippers are middle children....Great so for Christmas should I get her a brass pole and some knee high boots just to get a jump on the new job. Well I guess I have 10 more years before I have to worry about seeing her at a show in vegas. Anyways, she comes in crying. I ask what happened and she tells me the oldest threw the sled at her face. Now I can see he hit me with a snow ball but the sled, really do you need to throw the sled at her face. So I go out to solve the problem like my abusive parents would have, five fingers of justice. I barely get started and then the DW comes out and starts in on me how that never solves anything. I guess I am suppose to put them in time out or make them write me a story about how what they did was wrong and how they will not do it again. I think sometimes a belt to the butt might solve some of the sadness. Needless to say the trip to the lights was a complete wash we both started fighting on the way there and the while we were there. So I walked back to the car while everone was in there gardens looking at the lights...Got to the car and kept on walking 2 and half mile to be exact by the time they were tired of looking at lights and pist because I was not there when it was time to go. Guess I needed the fresh air so i did not blow up on the wife and kids anymore then I had already.

I get the email with a link in it to the funniest video I have ever seen. you have to see it. It is called Jizz in my pants you can find it on you tube or I just down loaded it from I tunes. O my god I have not stopped crying yet. If I can figure out how to post it on my blog I will but seeing as I can not even figure out how to post this stupid letter then I think you are all shit out of luck.

Later all